Posted in Emotions, Life's Lessons

My All

It’s time to stop giving my job my All
Time to stop giving my All to my boss
Stop giving my All to work
To a career
To making a living
My All belongs to me
My All belongs to my family
To my home
To the things that give me joy
To my adventures
What is the joy in work?  A Job?  A boss?
There is satisfaction
There is being a part of an effort larger than you
A cause bigger than you
A organization serving many rather than a few
But if I give my all at work,
What is left for home and adventure?
For relationships and travel?
For new joys
And new beginnings?
Very little
Very little is left for me
When I give my All at work
Very little is left for those I love
When my All has already been given
I am going to strive to be a ‘really good’ employee
Not great
Not amazing
Not perfect
Really good
‘Really good’ goes above and beyond
It takes initiative
It plays well with others
It gets the job done
And looks for the next to tackle
But ‘really good’ get to go home
Turn work off and turn themselves on
Live and play and build for themselves
Not a company
Not a cause
My life
I want to live my life
Work as hard for myself as I do for others
Be great at me
Not just really good or nothing at all
Posted in Emotions, Grace, Rant, White Knight

Only Human

I’ve been feeling this one a lot lately. I’m a strong woman who can take a lot. The problem with strong people is you never know what straw is going to break the camel’s (my) back. For those who are on the weaker side, no criticism or judgment intended, but people are more careful with you. Because we are aware of your sensitivities and limits, those who know and love you, also know your limits. Short of abuse, unusual stress or neglect, those limits are respected by the people who matter in your life. For those of us who are naturally strong, we take it and take it and take it some more, soldiering on supporting everyone around us even as inside, we’re running on empty, hiding our worries and fears. When’s it my turn? Is there someone (short of God) who can be strong for me for a while? ‘Cause I’m tired and there’s no end in sight.

ONLY HUMAN – Christina Perri

*This is the live version. Less polish more realness.

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
I’m only human, yeah

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything

I can do it. I can do it. I’ll get through it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
I’m only human, yeah

I’m only human
I’m only human
Just a little human
I can take so much
Until I’ve had enough

Posted in business, Grace, Life's Lessons, Rant

The Partner You Need (ie. . . not the partner you want)

I’m not the partner you need? I mean, I know I asked, but I REALLY hoped that wasn’t going to be your answer.

So these dreams are all for not? Everything we’ve been talking about over the last 2 weeks? 6 weeks? Years? All the breakthroughs we’ve had in our relationship? Was that just for you? Did I have a role in this too? Was I at home with the kids, working a job in town, toeing the line at the restaurant, what? Where was I in this?

So, today was your reminder of why we shouldn’t be in business together, huh?

I’m the problem then, huh? I’m the one dragging you down?

Your mistake is believing you need someone like yourself to be your partner. You don’t. You need the opposite, ME, to do and enjoy all things you don’t do and can’t stand. Yes, anyone could do book work just like anyone can wait tables. That’s not the point. You don’t need a ‘yes man.’ You need someone who thinks differently and will tell you’re being an idiot when you are and who also has different gifts and talents to augment your own highly developed and specialized skill set.

This really doesn’t sound like the problem is all me here does it? The more I write and then read and then re-write, the more it is obvious to me that you hold no respect for me in the industry and, by association, as a business partner. I am not perfect (and sometimes only just passable in some things I have to do for the business) and I don’t know everything. You seem to though. Dang it! Every stinkin’ time we have this stupid old argument, you always seem to know best and nothing I say or do or know or think measures up. Your way or the highway?

I don’t see it. I think what needs to happen is you need to learn to work with me and I with you. I am not your opponent. I AM ON YOUR TEAM. I have your back. Every stinkin’ time. I am in your corner. Your Dad didn’t believe it of his wife, will you? I want you to succeed and be happy. I want us to succeed and be happy together, both at work and at home. We are all on the same side.

I like working with you most of the time. I would rather spend the rest of my life with you in any endeavor we chose than anywhere else, doing anything else, for anyone else.

I feel like you are so close to being that team captain that leads the team to nationals that I can taste it. I see the big win at the end of the season of back breaking work and commitment and I want it! I want to trust you. I want to see you be the man and leader you were intended to be but left at the wayside 10 years ago. I want to follow you. I do! I just don’t trust you 100% yet. Is it OK for me to be cautions? Is it OK to ask and question and analyze? You see fear, but I see caution. And I have had a lot of disappointments in my life when I’ve trusted others to lead. The only way I know to protect myself is to be cautious. Slow it down. That was my only tool in my arsenal when dealing with my parent’s leadership. As a pretty much a powerless minority partner, the only control I had on their leadership was talking and questioning and talking some more. I didn’t have a veto. I am feeling that way again. Like my role is again to slowing down the train enough to ask where we’re going and who’s coming with us and how are we paying for it. Is that what you mean when you say I am holding you back?

But do you see how far I’ve come? Can you give me that? I have come so far in my relationship with you! Even in the last 6 months, I have opened up and learn to trust you in ways I have never trusted and exposed heart and soul to anyone. Ever. Can I have some grace too? Can we have a learning curve here? One day of reality and everything we’ve dreamed for the last few day is tossed to the wind? I think I deserve more than that. More importantly, I think WE deserve more than that.

Posted in Emotions, Grace, Pretty Girl, Rant, Uncategorized, White Knight

And you are mine

I happened into the restaurant this morning, a sick Buddy and active Little Man in the car, after dropping a post-Bio Mom Pretty Girl off at school.  Meaning only to stop for a quick yogurt breakfast for the boys, I immediately parked the running car and quickly occupied the boys downstairs to take tables on the floor when I walked into the rush.  Despite a projected 5 hours the kids would need to be occupied downstairs, I / we stayed through and worked lunch with you and closed along side you.  Again successfully occupying the kids downstairs, we had our much anticipated sit down with our landlords and exhausted our questions for them.  I was hoping to walk away with a definite ‘yey’ or ‘ney’ to our much discussed business direction.  We just wanted to ‘know.’  You heard a definite.  I?  Not so much though I ruled nothing out.


You, having already arranged for your mom to watch the kids to give us time to talk, had made a way for date night.  Or not depending on if we were just going to come home and cry?  You left our evening very open ended.  For all I knew, we would be spending the night in rather than going out.


After our meeting, I rushed the kids home as you closed the restaurant.  With Buddy asleep and the other two begging for a bath, I filled ours first and let them at it.  Figuring after dinner out and with you opening in the morning, we wouldn’t be able to handle bath and lovin after 8 ish, a reasonable back home time given past dining experience (plus, grammie sitting usually means baths and jammies for everyone so probably no hot water for our bath later).  Perfect!  Kids occupied, wife naked (ish), said wife ready for action after a few days off, an early hot bath, and romantic date plans?  Sounds like I’m getting some lovin’ tonight!


But . . . your mom’s home too.  Wow!  I guess it is 5 o clock, but I thought we’d have a bit more down time before we went out.  Of well, she won’t mind.  She’ll think it’s cute.  A romantic bath for two!


We make it upstairs.  We talk.  We clarify.  We dream.  We relax.  Or so I thought, but again with the facebooking!  Then you mention our favorite, Ko Ho and a pork chop and off we went.  Perfect!  I had already thought of this option too and had Plan B lined up.  I had chosen a top that would be a little sexy to greet you in and easily transformable into date night attire with some leggings.


But wait!  This was to be a business / dreaming dinner?  Well, I guess that was his original intention in arranging childcare for tonight.  Bringing the sketchbook?  Oh, he must be serious!  Ok.  I can do this.  Switching gears to . . . business.  Pros and cons.  This landlord or that landlord.  Ok.  I’m on board.


Hit a bump there.  Ideas are flowing faster than I can follow.  Once I understand one and have time to jump on board, you’re off on another.  Not waiting to use the book I guess.  Whoa, Nelly!


Alright.  At dinner, back on the same page.  You were riding the ‘monsters’ or something so you said.  Acknowledging I wasn’t keeping up with the thought train.  But wait!  We’re all for the same thing here.  Happier, healthier us.  More time with each other and the kids.  Less strife.  Less anxieties.  Yes!  That’s what we all want!  Let’s do this!  What’s the best option for us?  Feeling good.  We’re cuddling.  We’re doing good.


In the car, ok I think.  Nothing sticks out.  Foggy so no romantic back road, but ok.


At home, ok I think.  Kids with grammie.  We head to our room.  We relax and talk and such a little I think?  You’re down to your usual bedroom attire of boxers and wife beater and facebooking on top of the covers as we continue to talk and . . . up comes our roommate.


Little Man wants to lay with mommy.  Mommy washes face and hands and teeth (at daddy’s prompting) and quickly get’s him comfortable in the dark.   While I am trying to get said son asleep, husband proceeds to get comfortable under the covers removing wife beater and cuddling pillows into leveraged positions.  Business ideas still flowing even as Joshua some how manages to quickly fall asleep.  But as I slip out from under our sleeping son, I fear it is already too late.  He’s already out.  Not just the son, no the father too.


But wait!  There’s a chance he is just relaxing while I was getting the dude to sleep and he’s just waiting for me to turn on the romantic mood we spoiled with business talk all night when all I wanted was to just spend time with you! I know we’ve got the decision of a lifetime in front of us, but we’re not going to make up our minds tonight, are we?  I could always wake you with a BJ, right?  Quick!  Some romantic lighting and some mood music maybe?  What’s the least intrusive to see if he’s responsive?  Low lighting?  We’ll go with the low lighting since I can’t remember where a single electronic music making devise is!  And . . .


Nope.  Not into it at all.  Blinded him instead, so now I’m a jerk. <sigh>.


I’m lost.  Where did I go wrong here?  What changed in the last 25 minutes since we walked in from the truck?  ‘Cause I still felt like I was coming home from a date when we got out of the truck?  Happy endings all ‘round, right?  Oh!  Was it before that?  I guess I bitched at I guess I bitched at you all night?  I had attitude?  I’m PMSing so that has to be it, right?  I’m the problem?  I didn’t just do everything but jump your bones and lay out a red carpet (ha) to my vagina this evening?  I was attributing my frustrations of the evening to sheer sexual frustrations of which I was hoping to happily exhaust on you.  But, no.  I get a sarcastic ‘how dare Marshall rest’ from you as if I have ever thought you didn’t deserve to rest when you’re tired.  I love to participate 100% in our alone times, but I understand the difficulty of shutting off the brain sometimes. I know we can’t just magically hop to at the drop of a hat when your partner is ready for some couple time, but . . .COME ON!


I’m getting whiplash again, and it not me spinning my head with 180’s.  I swear, dude!  I can’t keep up and I feel like you’re getting frustrated with my slowness.  Like there’s something wrong with me that I can’t keep up with your train of thoughts, spoken and unspoken, and somehow read your intentions and ignore your anxieties and doubts all while trusting your judgments absolutely but also being ready at a moment’s notice to entertain any option for our future. GAAH!


It’s like an army standing at a constant state of readiness.  Fatigue will set in.  Attention will waiver under the strain maintaining peak awareness.  Ears silently straining for the cue to move.  I’m getting tired of swimming yet I haven’t moved at all.  What if I waste all of my energy treading water and I have none left to move forward?


I’m like a clenched muscle, after putting my shoulder to the plow, readying itself to push and some how maintaining a life while living in that moment of sheer potential energy – the moment before the push that has the potential for anything / everything at once until a decision is made to direct that energy potential into action.  A moment in time where all things are possible, all options are on the table.




Love on me and I on you

Believe in me and listen

Rest and hear my heart.

Look at me, not past me.

Talk with me, not about us.

Spend time in my eyes not in your head.

Feel my arms not anxiety’s claws.

Lay your head upon my chest and breath deep

For I am yours, and you are mine.


Me (not ME but me)


Posted in Emotions, Grace, Life's Lessons, Theories

DId you say it?

The song for today – Jewel’s SATISFIED

If you love somebody
You better let it out
Don’t hold it back
While you’re trying to figure it out
Don’t be timid
Don’t be afraid to hurt
Run toward the flame
Run toward the fire
Hold on for all your worth
Cause the only real pain a heart can ever know
Is the sorrow of regret
When you don’t let your feelings show

So did you say it
Did you mean it
Did you lay it on the line
Did you make it count
Did you look ’em in the eye
Did they feel it
Did you say it in time
Did you say it out loud
’cause if you did hun
Then you lived some
That feeling inside
That’s called satisfied

Busy people walking by
Can’t help but worry some
With so many things to do
So little love gets done
Empty hearts everywhere
Drowning but dying of thirst
If you want love
It’s not that tough
Start by giving it first
It’s so easy to give
Baby can’t you see
Just close your eyes open your heart
And do what comes naturally

Horses are built to run
The sun is meant to shine above
Flowers are made to bloom
And then there’s us
We were born to love

[Repeat Chorus


I need to be done with not being real.  Just be straight.  Say what you mean.  Mean what you say.  Don’t leave anything unsaid and undone just because it might be more comfortable for the moment.  We look back with regret at the chances not taken and opportunities missed.  We relishes the memories when we went for it and then carry the SATISFACTION of a job well done.  You did your best and gave your all.  It either worked or it didn’t but not because you didn’t want it enough or try hard enough.  Satisfaction is a powerful thing.  It is the lack there of that leads to midlife crisis’ in my opinion.  When a person reaches about 45, they look back on their life, have regrets or don’t like what they see and freak out because they realize their life is half gone.  Where will you be at the half way point?  A life well liven is not mired in regrets, but filled with the satisfaction of a job well done.  “You have done well . . . “

Posted in Emotions, Grace, prayers, White Knight, Worship

His & Hers Songs

Music is amazing.  Music crosses cultures and communicates to everyone at some level.  It’s inspiring.  It pierces to the soul.  Music communicates the deepest of man’s emotions with a single note or word.

Song writers are amazing.  That someone can so expertly put into words what I am feeling but am unable to communicate or even make sense of for myself is AMAZING.
Today I have his and hers songs share so that I will remember this moment.  These two songs exactly communicate the cry of my heart.  Mine, “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles. . . should be self-explanatory.  My Knight’s, “Shake it Off,” by Florence and the Machine . . . was a moment of inspiration watching him hunched over in the tub, head down, slumped.  I could almost see the demons riding on his shoulders, weighing him down.
“Gravity” – This is my favorite version by the singer/ songwriter done live.  Also see Alex and Sierra’s
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ‘til the moment I’m gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.
You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.
You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
“Shake it Off” – This one is done by Glee, one of my favorite version for the trio effect.  More meaningful too since it was situation specific for the show.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake 

it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah!      2x

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, ooh woah!
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but its left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn
And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right up my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, ohh


Posted in Church, Emotions, Grace, Rant, White Knight

Standing Here

Ever feel like you’re just treading water?  Holding onto a cliff and neither climbing up nor down as your arms start to shake from the grip needed to just stay put?  Or maybe you’re expending energy waiting for something or someone to go or do something?  Anything?  

Waiting is exhausting!

As I wait, I have noticed how sensitive I am to anything that seems like a ‘go’ sign – an opportunity to go somewhere, do something, be with someone, anything.  Doesn’t he know, I’ve just been waiting for the sign?  Why does he tease me with random moments of ambition and inspiration only to withdrawal after an initial frustration?  Doesn’t he know I’ve just been waiting in the wings for him to get this show on the road called life?  I’m moving restlessly from foot to foot, watching the game, thinking to myself ‘put me in coach.  Let me show you what I got.  I can do this.  Let me do this.  Let us do this.’  Instead, I grasp on to any bit of ambition he gives me (or I take it?) and feel like I have to ride it for all it’s worth.  It may be the last little bit I’ll see for a while.  I want to do this with him not despite him.  That’s no way to make a like together.

It’s not his fault that I don’t have any family, friends or mentors in my life.  That I rely on him to be both my lover, my best friend, my confidant and my partner.  It’s not his fault (entirely) that I’ve lost all but the most superficial of relationships with my parents.  It’s not his fault that my sisters got caught in the fall out with my parents and now, with young families of their own, have little time for the insecurities of their big sister.  It’s not his fault, I moved away from my close-knit family church and as a result lost contact with the wonderful mature women who should have continued to mentor someone like myself through these new trials of life.  It’s not his fault (entirely) that at the same time, I left a long-standing commitment to music and youth and, following several other transitions, am left with not a singe artistic outlet – other than Pandora playlists while we’re making out.  It’s not his fault I never formed close relationships with my fellow college or high school students.  I was too busy working, performing, pursuing two degrees and volunteering in church to hangout with anyone and actually do those ‘get to know you’ activities.  It’s not his fault (entirely) I’ve owned an incredibly needy business for the last 8 years and probably only had time to get together with him, because I saw him and worked together pretty much everyday.

But . . . I like spending time with him dang it!  He IS my best friend.  He IS my business and life partner.  He IS my only confidant.  <sigh>

I might need to go back to being ok with just being by myself.  Stop caring about what he’s doing or wanting every minute of the day and letting that determine what I am going to do or say.  Maybe I’ll start volunteering again.  I just realized today how much I don’t do in a night or week just so I am available for if he wants to do something with me.  How ridiculous is that!  I’ve stepped down from every nonprofit I’ve ever participated in.  I have no hobbies or classes outside the home.  I no longer belong to a church.  I have no friends that I would hangout with apart from my husband.

I tell myself that it’s all good for me.  This is teaching me to loosen up, to go with the flow.  I like to control the situation around myself, maybe this is an opportunity for me to mature, be more flexible.  But that’s just not reality.  We are not called to ignore our gifts and talents and I am a planner by nature.  I am all about process.  I wake up thinking about what I’m going to do in a day, including how it will end.  I think about the most efficient way for us to leave the house.  I think about what the kids should do when they get home from work with the 20 minutes we have before we jet out again.  Do not get me wrong, I adapt well.  I have to with a husband that won’t plan more that 20 minutes ahead.  But because the times are so few, I find myself tripping over myself to jump on ANY wagon he finally gets hooked up.  We’ll talked about it off and on for a while.  Me trying to be the supportive wife, encourage the positive and trying not to respond too negative in response to some of the more unorthodox or outrageous ideas.  ‘You want to go somewhere, anywhere, do something, anything, let’s go’, I say.  Controlling?  I don’t think so.  I have desires left unfulfilled so long I don’t remember what’s it’s like to be filled to overflowing with happiness, peace, belonging, being loved, being cared for, being taken care of, secure, sure of myself, confident, inspired, and committed.  That’s what is really happening.  I am going to need to see some maturity here real soon, or I will have to start protecting myself.  Pearls before swine, right?

So . . . what am I supposed to do?  He arranges to have his shift covered 7 days before Christmas, wants to go into town and I’m not supposed think we’re going Christmas shopping?  Apparently, he wanted to shop by himself.  Didn’t sound like fun to have me (or Joshua) around.  I don’t think he meant it as hurtful.  He was just expressing HIS frustrations.  Apparently, I don’t let him do things.  I’m always trying to control him even with something as simple as watching a movie.  Am I that needy?  Maybe I am.  Maybe, I’ve allowed my entire life to revolve around my husband.  Maybe every plan I make has one end goal – to get done or get home so I can be with him.  Is this too much?  I just thought my energies should be given to those I care about most.  Is that so wrong?

Maybe we each need to prioritize the other’s alone time?  Then it’s something we are doing for each other, not making for ourselves.  I feel guilty for ever hour I’m not at home.  I don’t feel like I can just pop off and go shopping any ole free afternoon.  I don’t feel like I can take off for a cup of tea or lunch with my sister.  I DO need permission to have some time to myself.  And . . . I think it is a partner’s job to empower the other to do what is healthy for themselves.  Do I hold him back?  Maybe.  I feel like he is naturally inclined to be that social butterfly, life of the party.  I probably do hold him back.  Without me and the kids, I am sure he’d be at Adam’s one night, jamming with Michael one night, watching football with his dad another, work a couple of nights, and then veg the last.    Sex?  Sure.  But it’s I that get the kids ready and headed for bed each night.  It’s I that makes decisions all day about what I eat so I can, again, be available.  Why isn’t it about whether I’M in the mood?  Why can’t I be the priority?  He is my priority ALL THE TIME!  I am constantly thinking about making his life easier, happier, more fulfilled.  I am constantly thinking about his physically and emotional comfort.

I don’t think there is a single person in my life who thinks about my physical or emotion comfort like I do for him.  And that’s pretty sad.  He listens better to strangers in our  business than he does to me.  He goes out of his way to remember their likes and dislikes, to anticipate their orders and remember what was talked about the time before as well but can’t ask me nicely for help when he knows he’s messing with my time and a project I’m in the middle of.  Nothing is every as important when he has needs, certainly not whatever I may be doing or needing.  A misunderstanding with a long time customer led to his disturbed rest for days.  Our misunderstandings end in him walking away, refusing to talk or going to sleep if I can’t just get over it.   To the best of my knowledge, he’s never lost sleep over me.

Yeah, I matter.  

I can’t remember the last time he massaged me.  Take that back.  It was about a month ago and led straight to sex.  I can’t remember the last time he cuddled me in public.  I can’t remember the last time he said he appreciated me.  Take that back.  He appreciated that I was willing to go through thrift shops for clothes for him and the kids ’cause he can’t.  Great.  Even now, as I write, he is taking a nap.  After leaving me crying silently in the car on our trip home following our aborted shopping trip, he leaves me to go to work, or not, as he watches his movie and now, takes a nap.

Like I said, he’s never lost sleep over me.